Qantas Humour

[Poetic Justice]

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then the pilow review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way Qantas is the only major air-line that has never, ever had an accident.

P: Left inside tyre almost needs replacement
S: Almost replaced left inside tyre

P: Test flight OK; except auto-land very rough
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield
S: Live bugs on back-order

P: Autopilot in altiude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
S: Evidence removed

P: DME volume unbelievably loud
S: DME volume set to more believable level

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield
S: Suspect you're right

P: Number 3 engine missing
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

P: Aircraft handles funny
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious

P: Target radar hums
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

And my favourite!

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer
S: Took hammer away from midget

[5L]

lol, what a crackup

[Scott]

Gold.

[mitch_lx]

P: DME volume unbelievably loud
S: DME volume set to more believable level



LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL :

[flappist]

Two points;

1) I have been reading the same jokes for the past 20 years and they are attributed to every airline and airforce in the world. (QANTAS doesn't have a lot of aircraft with "target radar")

2) QANTAS have crashed several times, the latest being in Bankok in 1999 when they went golfing. QANTAS in its present form have never been involved in an incedent where there were passenger fatalities. There were some tech crew killed in a Viscount many many years ago but that aircraft like the 707 that flat spun into Bass Strait was not directly QANTAS operated.

Stolen from the web:

• It is often claimed, most notably in the 1988 movie Rain Man, that Qantas has never had a fatal crash. Qantas is the only airline not to cut that scene from the movie before showing it to passengers. The company's official line is that it has never lost a "jet" aircraft. Prior to the jet era, Qantas had fatal crashes. One was on 16 July 1951, when De Havilland Drover VH-EBQ crashed in New Guinea after an engine failure, killing all seven passengers and crew. Other fatal accidents occurred in 1927, 1934, 1942, 1943 (×2), and 1944. However, the incidents in the 1940s were due to World War II, when the Qantas aircraft were requisitioned by the military.

• On 24 August 1960, Qantas Super Constellation VH-EAC crashed on take off at Mauritius en route to the Cocos Islands. Take off was aborted before V1 after a power drop on the number 3 engine. The plane skidded off the runway and the undercarriage collapsed. None of the 38 passengers and 12 crew were injured. [44]

• On 26 May 1971 Qantas received a call from a "Mr Brown" claiming that there was a bomb planted on a Hong Kong-bound jet and that he wanted $500,000 in unmarked $20 bills. He was treated seriously when he directed police to an airport locker where a functional bomb was found. Arrangements were made to pick up the money in front of the head office of the airline in the heart of the Sydney business district. After Qantas raced around to find two suitcases large enough to hold all the cash, they paid the money and it was safely collected, after which Mr Brown called again, advising the 'bomb on the plane' story was a hoax. The initial pursuit of the perpetrator was bungled by the New South Wales Police who, despite having been advised of the matter from the time of the first call, failed to establish adequate surveillance of the pick up of the money. Directed not to use their radios (for fear of being "overheard") the police were unable to communicate adequately. (Sourced from "The Qantas Extortion Case" by Barry Young, Qantas Public Affairs Department. PRINTED & PUBLISHED BY QANTAS AIRWAYS LIMITED VICKERS AVENUE, MASCOT.) Tipped off by a still unidentified informer, the police eventually arrested an Englishman, Peter Macari (photo) [45], finding more than $138,000 hidden in an Annandale property. Convicted and sentenced to 15 years' jail, Macari served nine years before being deported to England. Over $224,000 has still not been found. The 1990 movie "Call Me Mr. Brown" directed by Scott Hicks (of "Shine" fame) relates to this incident. On the 4th of July 1997 apparently a second 'copycat' extortion attempt was thwarted early on thanks to the skills of police and Qantas security staff [46]

• On 23 September 1999 Boeing 747-400 VH-OJH, carrying 407 passengers and crew, overran the runway by 220 metres while landing in a severe rainstorm at Bangkok. [47] The aircraft ended up in a golf course, and there were no fatalities. The Australian Transport Safety Bureau criticised numerous inadequacies in Qantas' operational and training processes. [48] Repairs to the nine-year-old aircraft were undertaken in Bangkok and China. The aircraft had suffered extensive damage to the landing gear, engines and the front fuselage. It was widely suggested at the time that it should have been written-off, and unsubstantiated rumours abounded that the cost of the repair was $A100 million. Qantas denied that pressure had been applied to insurers to avoid a hull-loss being recorded so that the airline's safety record would remain intact.

• The following year a 747-300 VH-EBW was damaged when its landing gear collapsed while taxiing at Rome. It returned to service after repairs.

• On 21 August 2005, an incident occurred involving Qantas Airbus A330-300 VH-QPE with 178 passengers and 13 crew aboard. The aircraft made an emergency landing at Kansai Airport in Osaka, Japan after an indication of smoke in the cargo hold. The Osaka Control Tower reported seeing smoke on landing, so an emergency evacuation was declared as a precaution and emergency slides were deployed. Nine passengers were injured and hospitalised. Subsequent investigation found no sign of smoke or fire, and it is believed that the cargo fire sensors were faulty. The aircraft was only 15 months old at the time of the incident.

• On 2 February 2006, a Qantas Boeing 767-300ER VH-OGH, carrying 155 passengers and 11 crew, and a United Airlines 747-400, carrying 99 passengers and 14 crew, were involved in a collision while on the runway at Melbourne Airport. The Qantas aircraft sustained damage to a horizontal stabiliser while the United aircraft damaged a wingtip. The Qantas 767 was parked at the holding point awaiting a take-off clearance when the United 747 taxied into it, causing the damage. United released a statement saying its flight 840 from Melbourne to Los Angeles via Sydney "reported a wingtip touch with a Qantas aircraft as it taxied". No passengers were injured in the incident. Qantas recently hired a new safety officer, Andrew Thrush. [49]

• On 29 May 2006, Qantas Boeing 747-438ER VH-OEE was taxiing to the gate at John F. Kennedy International Airport when it contacted a blast fence, damaging the starboard winglet. None of the 204 passengers was injured. The winglet had to be removed and replaced. [50][51]

• On 14 August 2006, Qantas Boeing 747-4H6 VH-OED was taxiing at Los Angeles International Airport when it was hit by a baggage cart, damaging an engine. None of the 288 passengers and 16 crew was injured. [52]

• In October 2006 a Qantas Dash 8 en route from Melbourne Tullamarine to Wollongong had to make an emergency landing at Melbourne Airport because there was smoke in the cabin.

Further information: Qantas fatal accidents and Qantas Flight 1#The Accident

[Poetic Justice]

See the "humour" part of the topic dude or not?

Loosen your jocks man.

[flappist]

Originally Posted by blackout

See the "humour" part of the topic dude or not?

Loosen your jocks man.

Ah ok sorry, I just thought it was better to point out the truth rather than

REPOST
like most others do when something is posted for the bazillionth time on almost every forum on the net......

[Poetic Justice]

Your original post didn't actually make mention of this being a repost, and didn't really HINT of it being posted on FORDFORUMS before, you just said you've been reading it for years.

Sorry to waste 5 minutes of your forum browsing time dude. I hadn't heard the joke before. A guy I work with hadn't heard it before. Quite obviously a couple of other people here hadn't seen it before.

Would you like me to get on my knees and beg for your mercy?

[Auslandau]

....actually I had a good chuckle, even though they have been around b4 but dont know how long ago. Some are gold!



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[TATT2]

Boring, again.............

[FLYXR6]

i've seen this heaps and i love reading it very time.

[flappist]

Originally Posted by blackout

Your original post didn't actually make mention of this being a repost, and didn't really HINT of it being posted on FORDFORUMS before, you just said you've been reading it for years.

Sorry to waste 5 minutes of your forum browsing time dude. I hadn't heard the joke before. A guy I work with hadn't heard it before. Quite obviously a couple of other people here hadn't seen it before.

Would you like me to get on my knees and beg for your mercy?

Ah so the

Originally Posted by blackout

By the way Qantas is the only major air-line that has never, ever had an accident.

was a joke too. Sorry, my mistake, it was a bit hard to tell as it had a HINT of being a statement in addition to your joke. Please withdraw my reply......

[Quicklier]

Fantastic!

[Auslandau]

Ummm...I HAVE seen it B4, still enjoyed it like B4, dont care if appeared on 'woop woop' forums B4 or its a repost from 10 years ago! Stiff!!!!!!! Take it for what it is ........a chuckle!!!!!! Why are peoples getting so histerical!!!!!



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[Poetic Justice]

I didn't come up with this joke as you'd have already known.

You have a lot of great posts on AFF as I've seen plenty of them flappist, but when a humour thread is posted take it for what it is... There's no real seriousness to any of it.

[the_scotsman]

LOL....brilliant...never seen them before...mate of mine worked as technician at Quantas for 13 years...need to show him this...

CLASSIC!.....
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
S: Evidence removed

[flappist]

Originally Posted by blackout

I didn't come up with this joke as you'd have already known.

You have a lot of great posts on AFF as I've seen plenty of them flappist, but when a humour thread is posted take it for what it is... There's no real seriousness to any of it.

OK, fair enough, the maintenance release jokes have been round for years and as I stated earlier have been attributed to everyone. Yes they are funny and there are lots more. www.landings.com or www.pprune.com have many others.

Another one is the charter pilot blurting on the radio "I am sooo effing bored". Centre replies "Aircraft transmitting indentify".
Reply was "I am effing bored, not effing stupid"...

As for the QANTAS crash bit. Rather than just say "yes they have" I did a quick web search to back myself up.
I was not attacking you as the "QANTAS never crashing" is a fairly common urban myth.

[MCXR8]

Great Stuff, have seen it before but as a Student Pilot myself, it makes the joke even more funny!

[csv8]

Recently I flew in America, no names, but the pilot had to stop in Pittsburg for avgas before going onto St Louis !!! Great pre-flight check !!!

[Outbackjack]

Many moons ago I was doing circuits at archerfield in Brissy. There was another plane in the circuit with a instructor/student on board. They had a really good night together the night before, she really liked it when he *********** we all heard because the xmit button was stuck in..... I could never look at the instructor in quite the same way again, she was somehow different after that.

[Auslandau]

.....Flew Air China in China this year. When the plane touches down and comes to a stop, everyone claps.



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[AU2PWR]

Originally Posted by blackout

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer
S: Took hammer away from midget

hahahahahahaa:

[MO]

Flappist I think you forgot the Viscount that when into Botany Bay...late fifies early sixties..it involved loss of life.

[flappist]

Originally Posted by MO

Flappist I think you forgot the Viscount that when into Botany Bay...late fifies early sixties..it involved loss of life.

Yes, that was the one in my first post. but no pax, tech crew only..

[old_mate]

the above technically are called incidents because of no loss of hull with pax on board.

the 707 that ditched into bass straight was a RAAF A20-something registered airframe

flappist knows his stuff I have only seen one big incident myself when a JAL 747-300 broke its left body gear mount and the whole gear came away. On pushback luckily. Those oleo's have been know to break like that and punch through wings (and therefore fuel tanks). Oh, and another 400 lost a winglet ones at JFK back in 2003. I helped put the new one on when it landed at SYD.

[iCat]

thanks for sharing that blackout - seen it before and love it! nice to have a giggle on nightshift!

[flappist]

The nastiest one I have ever seen personally was a Air Frog 747-400 that managed to engage reverse on 3 while thrust on 1 at Faa'aa in Tahiti in Oct 1993. It went splosh....no one hurt though.
The frogs had all markings removed in about 3 hours, funny that.

Actually there was the first time I ever saw an aircraft break the sound barrier. A concorde roared off at a great rate of knots and climbed out in the distance. After about 2 minutes there was a large volume of black smoke pouring out the back, the angle of attack changed as it zotted off even quicker and another couple of minutes a huge thunder crash. It was AMAZING....

[old_mate]

While i didnt actually see it, i have seen (and pulled bits from) the remains of a Air New Zealand (cant remember if it was a JT9, CF6 or RB211) engine that went from max t/o power to seized, stopped and generally farrked in less than .6 of a second. It spat all sorts of fan, compressor and turbine bits out, broke the big shaft bit that holds it all together (like snapping a crank i suppose, im a sparky not a sumpy) and made a mess of the airframe strut and wing.

Absolutely awesome destruction

[MO]

Originally Posted by flappist

Yes, that was the one in my first post. but no pax, tech crew only..

Missed it skimmed the first bit and read main..oops

[4.9 EF Futura]

Lol, great thread to stumble across whilst I'm sitting at the airport waiting for a plane!!!!