What the world knows about Aussies

[Charliewool]

The questions below about Australia, are from potential visitors. They were
posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual
responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how
do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them
die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks?
(Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list
of them in Brisbane,
Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which
does not... oh forget it.
Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come
naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and
we'll send the rest of
the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna
Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after
the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?
(Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is
illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All
Australian snakes are perfectly
harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets. (yes right!!
)

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its
name. It's a kind of bear and
lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum
trees and eat the brains
of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by
spraying yourself with human
urine before you go out walking.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you
tell me where I can sell it
in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is
smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

[phoon]

Thats Classic, and I can believe these questions. I was in the USA last year and one of the waiters at the hotel restaurant asked me if we have kangaroos as pets. I told him that we use them as transport and I ride one to work every day. He believed me.

[fiery]

dont really want to believe that others would think of us Aussies like this though.. seriously :

[M14A-Mclaren]

Q: Is the North and South Island joined by a thin peice of land? (Australia)

opps wrong country.

[Casper]

Originally Posted by fiery

dont really want to believe that others would think of us Aussies like this though.. seriously :

Believe it. US citizens are pretty clueless about Australia.

I remember one conversation with a few of them at a work training course in Detroit about our animals. Started talking about the Roo plagues in country Vic. The look of horror on their faces when I said Kangaroo tastes great was funny. Then talked about the flocks of emu that still roam around and how they like to snap at shiney things. The look of stunned disbelief when I said they make great steaks on the BBQ was histerical. Then on to Wombats. None had even heard of them and had to be shown on the internet what they even looked like. The look of sheer embarresment... "owned" big time... when one of them asked what they tasted like and, in my most disgusted voice I said "You dont eat bloody Wombats.. thats sick!" still brings tears to my eyes years later.

Yanks, not the sharpest tools in the shed.

[EB-maen]

A bunch of Canadians we had to do some pen-pal thing with back in year 7 thought that all the roads over here were dirt, and you could ride kangaroos to school. Crazy stuff.

[phoon]

Originally Posted by fiery

dont really want to believe that others would think of us Aussies like this though.. seriously :

It doesnt matter what they think Kerri, cause they have no idea about anything outside there own little world, seriously. Dont get me wrong, they were the nicest people, very friendly, but clueless.

[zetec]

And as long as they keep believing the myths and spending their tourist dollars here and buying our movies and hiring our actors they can believe whatever they want!!!!!

[xurbanx]

AHahHAHA oh god that's given me a great laugh!!!

[chief]

Thats classic. When I was in Turkey I wore my wallibies cap and they thought it was a Kangaroo. Soon as they think you are an aussie or tell them you are, you will be living good. VIP rooms, very cheap alcahol, discounts on most things. They have so much respect for Aussies because of the war. The funny thing is they know so much about the country. Like our Harbour bridge and when it was made and other random facts.

[falcon91]

I was in a helicopter in Israel (In the back, I fix them. don't fly them) and we picked up an American soldier to transport to another base. He straps himself in and was given a headset. Me and another guy start talking to him, just being freindly, and he asks " Are you guys from Australia where all the Kangaroos come from" Yes! "Did you learn to speak English just so you could communicate with us americans over here in Israel?" ing_sm Disconnected his headset while me and the other guy discussed whether we should throw him out at 300' and 90kts.

[Sourbastard]

Misinformation can only be a good thing. If they ever decide they need to invade us, Vienna will be carpet bombed first. So we get a heads up on the situation.

[Dark Horse]

Here's one we get (ok it's a bit more Sydney oriented but here goes):

Some seppo's still seem to think Manly is an island, so playing on that here starts the conversation
Q:"Does this ferry go to Manly Island?"
A: "Aah, yes it does."

Q:"Ok, so what happens if I miss the last ferry coming back to Downtown?"
A: "Looks like you'll have to catch the bus back when it's low tide."

Q:"Oh really? You can catch a bus back Downtown at low tide?"
A: "Yes indeed"

Discussion with nearby mates:
"Wow - hey you can catch a bus back at low tide if we miss the last ferry!"

[xbcool]

A few years ago a friend from England stayed with us for a week.
he was told by his mates from the old dart our spiders and snakes are extremely deadly.
I was informed of this and felt it was my duty as an Aussie larrikin to make sure there was a rubber snake or spider in his bed or shoes at every opportunity.
I dont think he slept for that week he mentioned pay back is a ИИИИИ.
We have planned a trip to pom land this year hope customs does,nt mind a rubber snake and spider in my bag. : : :

[Allen]

thanks a lot... you made me look like a bloody retarded fool... laughing my head off while the rest of the school library is in silence...

ahh, americans... ignorence is bliss

[xr8chick]

ha ha that drop bears one is a freaking laugh. my friends cousin in law is pommy and he asked what animals to look out for he was told drop bears by an aussie. this aussie was refering to the bundy bear if u have ever seen the ad's where he falls from the tree!!

[fiery]

Casper : Yanks, not the sharpest tools in the shed.

phoon : very friendly, but clueless

bit of a worry ...
*note to self: keep away from Americans*
:

j/k

[gtfpv]

bloody yankees wouldnt know if your up em .
thats why its a good place for young single males to go. hahaha.

[stiddy]

Originally Posted by Casper

Believe it. US citizens are pretty clueless about Australia.

I remember one conversation with a few of them at a work training course in Detroit about our animals. Started talking about the Roo plagues in country Vic. The look of horror on their faces when I said Kangaroo tastes great was funny. Then talked about the flocks of emu that still roam around and how they like to snap at shiney things. The look of stunned disbelief when I said they make great steaks on the BBQ was histerical. Then on to Wombats. None had even heard of them and had to be shown on the internet what they even looked like. The look of sheer embarresment... "owned" big time... when one of them asked what they tasted like and, in my most disgusted voice I said "You dont eat bloody Wombats.. thats sick!" still brings tears to my eyes years later.

Yanks, not the sharpest tools in the shed.

LMFAO thats the funniest thing I have read in a long time.. aww this is highlighting my night..

[TuMor]

I used to go to uni at ECU in WA and its near a bit of bush and kangaroos sometimes wander around the campus. Yanks are all like "so it true about kangaroos wandering the streets"

:

[ImpulseTaco]

So why 'Seppo' land? Where/what did that come from?

[joshf2]

seppo = septic tank = yank

[ImpulseTaco]

Originally Posted by joshf2

seppo = septic tank = yank

Wow...didn't know we were that bad :

[Casper]

Originally Posted by ImpulseTaco

Wow...didn't know we were that bad :

You're not. Friendliest people I ever met.. would have given me the shirt off their backs. I loved my trip to the US, came back wanting to live there.

Problem is the VAST majority of Americans dont really have a clue whats going on outside of their country.. or even their towns. Just the way of the culture there..

[big fella]

Originally Posted by joshf2

seppo = septic tank = yank

Have heard that the phrase was coined in WWII times, as US soldiers stationed here were sweeping the pretty young things off their feet. Needless to say, the local male population was less than impressed, and as such, a deroggatory name had to be made up, it's the Australian way.

[stockel]

I can appreciate that the world doesn't know much about Australia but it's possible SOME of those questions were taking the ИИИИ too....

By the way pretty funny though.

[Tote]

Originally Posted by joshf2

seppo = septic tank = yank

Just dont walk into a bar in the south and call em yanks, not a wise thing to do in Sweetwater TN, took a bit of talking to get around that one.
Regards,
Tote

[ImpulseTaco]

Originally Posted by big fella

Have heard that the phrase was coined in WWII times, as US soldiers stationed here were sweeping the pretty young things off their feet. Needless to say, the local male population was less than impressed, and as such, a deroggatory name had to be made up, it's the Australian way.

Well, aussie chicks are hot, so I can understand all that :Up_to_som

[Sourbastard]

Originally Posted by Tote

Just dont walk into a bar in the south and call em yanks, not a wise thing to do in Sweetwater TN, took a bit of talking to get around that one.
Regards,
Tote

Thats just like the time I called a guy inbred in Alabama. I had punch him in both heads to knock him out.

[Mark351]

For anyone going back to America soon, here's two more 'myths' you may wish to perpetuate to amaze your new seppo mates. A few uni mates and I came up with these on one of our uni pub benders many years ago.

After describing drop bears, mention another of our deadly animals - Hoop Snakes.

Hoop Snakes are a very vicious, not solely due to their toxic venom, but also because they are a pack animal. Be very weary when wandering in the bush, particuarly at the bottom of hills. Packs of hoop snakes will form at the top of the hill, grasp their tail in their mouths, and then roll down the hill in order to attack (thus the name, Hoop Snake.) Fending off a pack of deadly hoop snakes is impossible, as is attempting to outrun them.

The other 'myth' is Whacking Duty. This works best in Sydney, though anyone with an imagination should be able to modify it. What's Whacking Duty? Tell them it's like jury duty, everyone has to do it once or twice in their lifetime. In involves wearing a harness, and scaling the Harbour Bridge armed with a large paddle -for whacking. Whilst not a commonly known fact, the Harbour Bridge often infested with plagues of Drop Bears. Aside from their usual habit of 'dropping' onto unsuspecting pedestrians as they cross the bridge, but their poo, which falls onto the road, is a regular cause of large pileups causing traffic chaos. 'Whacking' the drop bears off the bridge keeps their numbers down, protecting both the pedistrians and driver alike. It's a dangerous job, but a necessary one. It's also required for special events, and any time they take promotional photos of the Bridge for postcards, etc.

I was surprised how many simply believed even these fanciful stories... Even if they think you're full of it, their reactions are fun to watch.