Mental Illness

[paule11]

Some terrible experiences in this thread I try not to think about what I don't want .
Tis quote form Stargate is a good one.
“Draw from your past, but do not let your past draw from you.” Teal'c

[mr1nfamous]

I'm going to add my 2 cents here.

I cycled roids a few years back I would've been 20ish (stupid decision blah blah etc). Anyway, when I came off I did the proper PCT etc. But nobody warned me of post course blues, I thought it'd be a few little tweaks of anger here and there. Nope, full blown depression. This is something I never believed in until I experienced it myself. That struggle to leave the house, the bridges I burnt because my pure disgust for the human race at the time. It was a living hell you will never understand unless you go through it.

While mine was only temporary and I snapped out of it on my own terms, it was the biggest eye opener to such a dark side of the mind.

[supershifty]

Originally Posted by geckoGT

It may sound strange but I have.

Peace is not feeling good, not being happy. Peace is finding a way to deal with your demons and accepting your life. I am never going to be as happy as I probably could have had all this stuff not happened. I just survive it the best I can.

I think the suicide thoughts have actually evolved to being a coping mechanism now. It is strangely comforting that if it gets really bad I can opt out, more comforting that it is not bad enough for me to need that option right now.

I so hear you on that gecko.

5 years ago I walked into my shed (a place of peace and pleasure) with my double barrel shotgun and sat between my cars, sat cross legged on the floor with the butt at my feet and placed the barrels in my mouth, both thumbs on the triggers and started to apply pressure.

I felt completely worthless and no good for anybody - I felt ending my life would be of no consequence to anyone. What triggered me to do this is irrelevant, I was already badly depressed and a ***** sister turned my family against me. I won't go into that. It was a really ****** feeling.

I dunno how much more pressure I had to apply to those triggers before it was all over. I then thought of my best mate Barry who suicided 21 years earlier and the questions it left behind - I loved him, so did many others. Then there was the questions of what my two lovely daughters would think, and the friends/mates I'd leave behind with the "why the **** did Dave do it?"

This is my saving grace - I'm so glad I didn't go through with it. Although I struggle with depression and anxiety, there is always a dim light at the end of the tunnel, some times it's an oncoming train - some times it's a guiding light. I have so much to be thankful for, I make friends easily, have bugger all enemies, no debts, two beautiful daughters, an ex that is one of my closest and loyal friends. Also two of the best blokey mates that will pull me out of the **** at a moments notice. Oh, not to forget my bro's and sis's on the AFF!

I still keep that loaded shotgun in my closet - I look at it every now and then as surety that it's there at the ready. It's a "coping mechanism" hence my bolding of gecko's post. Don't worry - I doubt I'll ever use it, just nice to know it's there. Shells are probably munted by now anyway!

Cheers, and happy days!

[damo76]

I have pretty much battled depression on and off most of my adult life. I think its part of the crap that has happened when i was a kid and part of it is that life as an adult . well really isn't that good. I mean up at 5am get dressed no time for a propper breakfast, be at work 5:30am, overdose on caffiene, start work at 6am, work 12 hours thinking how much your bored and were you would rather be and life would be so much simpler doing something else but cant because don't have the skills or tickets or communication skills to be in the purple circle. Knock off work 5:30 get home 6pm, say hello to family, have quick shower, no time for beer because its dinner time, get kids to bed watch hour of tv or play game then do it all again next day.
Saturday and sunday, you spend all your time fighting yourself with, well i have only got 2 days so i really need to do the gardening or clean windows but i would really like to go fishing but i wouldn't enjoy it knowing all the things i have to do at home and catch up on.
The black dog is a place i have been and its very hard to get out off. Sport or change in life is good to get out of it.

[Franco Cozzo]

Originally Posted by supershifty

I then thought of my best mate Barry who suicided 21 years earlier and the questions it left behind

There as a kid who used to hang around me and a friend at high school when we were in Year 12, he was a few years younger than us but he was into the same stuff so we all got along pretty well.

He didn't really have any friends in his year level so he was hanging around with us, no worries.

Him and my friend became good friends, would hang out on weekends etc after we left school. He was in the same circles with my friends in some way or another.

He started dabbling in some drugs, mainly just weed nothing serious, got involved with the wrong crowd.

Anyways he started an apprenticeship as a diesel mechanic but he was getting bullied so he dropped out in his first year.

He was upset over some stuff and he was talking to my mate over Facebook, saying he had some problems about having a hard time finding a job and girlfriend problems but he would only talk about them later. He had applied for a plumbing apprenticeship but had heard nothing back.

Next day his Mum comes home from work and finds him hanging from the shed roof.

That night, the plumber rings to offer him the apprenticeship.....

18 year old kid.

Thats TWO suicides from other kids I went to high school with.

More people I know have died by their own hand than they have in cars, thats for sure.

[BLUEYBA]

Originally Posted by damo76

I have pretty much battled depression on and off most of my adult life. I think its part of the crap that has happened when i was a kid and part of it is that life as an adult . well really isn't that good. I mean up at 5am get dressed no time for a propper breakfast, be at work 5:30am, overdose on caffiene, start work at 6am, work 12 hours thinking how much your bored and were you would rather be and life would be so much simpler doing something else but cant because don't have the skills or tickets or communication skills to be in the purple circle. Knock off work 5:30 get home 6pm, say hello to family, have quick shower, no time for beer because its dinner time, get kids to bed watch hour of tv or play game then do it all again next day.
Saturday and sunday, you spend all your time fighting yourself with, well i have only got 2 days so i really need to do the gardening or clean windows but i would really like to go fishing but i wouldn't enjoy it knowing all the things i have to do at home and catch up on.
The black dog is a place i have been and its very hard to get out off. Sport or change in life is good to get out of it.

I got stuck in a similar routine a while back but eventually when it came to the weekends I had to tell myself that the stuff around the house can wait as it will still be there the next weekend or whenever i could get to it but my mental health needed some help and decided to do somethings that would help make me feel better. So taking the family out for the day or going for a drive or anything else. I had to make time for myself and everything else was second to that (except my wife and kids). it was hard at first but as i did it more and more I found the balance. I also found a job that took the pressure off as well. I got a job closer to home.

[Rabidus Fulgore]

And the worst thing is that despite all the modern PC BS, which is to pretend how warm & fuzzy we are about Mental Illness, it is STILL so heavily stigmatised and discriminated against.
For those of you that follow AFL, just look at Mitch Clark. His depression must have been bad for him to walk away from Football, and obviously he feels unsupported by Melbourne, but listen to the way he's talked about. If he was coming back from a Knee reco, there'd be 18 clubs allover him, but he's had depression so nobody wants a bar.

[Road Games]

Is that you Daz ?

[castellan]

Originally Posted by Rabidus Fulgore

And the worst thing is that despite all the modern PC BS, which is to pretend how warm & fuzzy we are about Mental Illness, it is STILL so heavily stigmatised and discriminated against.
For those of you that follow AFL, just look at Mitch Clark. His depression must have been bad for him to walk away from Football, and obviously he feels unsupported by Melbourne, but listen to the way he's talked about. If he was coming back from a Knee reco, there'd be 18 clubs allover him, but he's had depression so nobody wants a bar.

PC will never fix anything as it's only Political Correct and sadly, that just does not cut it.

Political ? when was political ever correct, it never was and never will be, it's just a ban aid that you put over a infection.

[Madaya]

I am determined to cut right back on the booze, especially drinking home alone. I am probably my own worst company when I wake up the next day.
Plus, this old body is finding it harder to get over the dip.
Otherwise, travellin okay guys.

[supershifty]

Originally Posted by Madaya

I am determined to cut right back on the booze, especially drinking home alone. I am probably my own worst company when I wake up the next day.
Plus, this old body is finding it harder to get over the dip.
Otherwise, travellin okay guys.

Nothing wrong with getting on the booze Gaz, I enjoy a drink (as you know) I don't drink to get to the point where I'm drunk, just enjoy the beer buzz. Occasionally I do end up getting ****ed, but not that often.

The experts say that anymore than 3 standard drinks a day is bad for you, screw that! I just enjoy alcohol and the light inhibition it gives me and keep my drinking to that level. I don't turn into an ******* when I'm drinking, I just don't like being drunk off my face.

Cheers!

[_Ben]

Pretty sad thread this, but it's certainly eye opening. I don't suffer from depression, but I'm sure I will at some stage in my life, it's good to see how much public image of depression is changing. It still has a long way to go, though.
Good luck to everyone on here who is battling depression or other mental illnesses.

[Lotte]

I've hit a rough patch, I'm angry and anxious an awful lot. Haven't been this way in a few years, and I'm not sure if it's my CFS playing up and having a big setback (I'm exhausted, all the time, which makes things worse). We have a lot on (house will be getting demolished sometime in the next 6 months or so, with no real date, just the knowledge of it), and last week I did 7 hours more than my return to FT work plan allows for, which kicked me in the guts massively.
Problem with having CFS AND depression, is you never know which one is playing up. Or if one is causing the other.

[Road Games]

Originally Posted by Madaya

I am determined to cut right back on the booze, especially drinking home alone. I am probably my own worst company when I wake up the next day.
Plus, this old body is finding it harder to get over the dip.
Otherwise, travellin okay guys.

Great idea mate..... alcohol is a depressant !!

cheers

[tut0r]

Originally Posted by Lotte

I've hit a rough patch, I'm angry and anxious an awful lot. Haven't been this way in a few years, and I'm not sure if it's my CFS playing up and having a big setback (I'm exhausted, all the time, which makes things worse). We have a lot on (house will be getting demolished sometime in the next 6 months or so, with no real date, just the knowledge of it), and last week I did 7 hours more than my return to FT work plan allows for, which kicked me in the guts massively.
Problem with having CFS AND depression, is you never know which one is playing up. Or if one is causing the other.

Are you one of the poor buggers whose getting kicked out for east/west link mate? Can't be easy any of it but chin up, these forums are always a great getaway from me. I dread work everyday at the moment but I just pop some music in get on with it and think about the things that I enjoy, like wasting to much money on my ford

[Lotte]

Originally Posted by tut0r

Are you one of the poor buggers whose getting kicked out for east/west link mate? Can't be easy any of it but chin up, these forums are always a great getaway from me. I dread work everyday at the moment but I just pop some music in get on with it and think about the things that I enjoy, like wasting to much money on my ford

Thankfully not. Our landlord owns the nursing home next door and wants to expand. The issue is, we've been told a range of potential dates, and they're anywhere between December this year and August next year.
Add that not knowing to generally having limited energy (I'm going to have to take at least a week off to move and recuperate), doing extra hours at work I'm not meant to and everything else, it's all rainbows and lollipops in the manor.

[ford man xf]

I posted this a while ago, but here it is again, it really is a great video regarding Paradigm Shift: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JlRK1vqcuvg

[Madaya]

Originally Posted by supershifty

Nothing wrong with getting on the booze Gaz, I enjoy a drink (as you know) I don't drink to get to the point where I'm drunk, just enjoy the beer buzz. Occasionally I do end up getting ****ed, but not that often.

The experts say that anymore than 3 standard drinks a day is bad for you, screw that! I just enjoy alcohol and the light inhibition it gives me and keep my drinking to that level. I don't turn into an ******* when I'm drinking, I just don't like being drunk off my face.

Cheers!

Dave,
if I was drinking with you or any of the lads, no problem. We share stories, You Tube vids , mate, I love mates.

I keep my days here at the house sit productive. Get up, do this or that. Mowing or weeding or hoovering etc. In other words keep busy.

Hey, today I changed the fan/ancillary belt on Mr H. He's coming up to 90k now. Not to tricky. The lads I bought him off reckon he's due for a service (the 90k service) in November. I reckon I'll chat with the boss guy. Yeah, they'll drop the oil, but I will direct they do a proper brake fluid flush.

Watchin 'Upper Middle Bogan' on ABC

[blueoval]

Sorry to bring up an old thread.

But I have been having forms of anxiety attacks over the past 12-24months. At first it was very mild, almost nervousness. But of late, I find it is stronger and usually presents itself when I do public speaking, or about to go on a large bike ride the night before, even organizing a bike ride with a mate, I get these feelings of performance anxiety (non sexual). Like I won't be able to perform properly when Im riding. I never used to get this way. I find I am cancelling any big events or activities that require me to perform or do a task where I am centre of attention. Is this normal?

[Franco Cozzo]

Go to the doctor and you can get a referral for 5 free visits to a psych, they might be able to coax out what might trigger off this anxiety, you can talk to them about anything with 100% confidentiality so even stuff you don't feel comfortable saying to family etc.

Even if you talk about your problems or things getting you down its better to get it off your chest rather than bottling it in.

Sounds odd but it might be something hanging about in the back of your mind that might be causing it

[cs123]

Originally Posted by blueoval

Sorry to bring up an old thread.

But I have been having forms of anxiety attacks over the past 12-24months. At first it was very mild, almost nervousness. But of late, I find it is stronger and usually presents itself when I do public speaking, or about to go on a large bike ride the night before, even organizing a bike ride with a mate, I get these feelings of performance anxiety (non sexual). Like I won't be able to perform properly when Im riding. I never used to get this way. I find I am cancelling any big events or activities that require me to perform or do a task where I am centre of attention. Is this normal?

I've had a lot to do with someone who had a different problem but the end result was anxiety when placed in different situations. Avoiding those situations only makes it worse so unfortunately you will find the way to get on top of it is to expose yourself to those situations.

http://www.anxietyaustralia.com.au/exposure-therapy/

As Damo says speak to a doctor about getting some assistance.

[blueoval]

Originally Posted by Big Damo

Go to the doctor and you can get a referral for 5 free visits to a psych, they might be able to coax out what might trigger off this anxiety, you can talk to them about anything with 100% confidentiality so even stuff you don't feel comfortable saying to family etc.

Even if you talk about your problems or things getting you down its better to get it off your chest rather than bottling it in.

Sounds odd but it might be something hanging about in the back of your mind that might be causing it

Thanks mate. Yeah I don't know why it is. I have been on a mix of different medication for my rheumatoid arthritis in the past which did warn me of having some mental side effects but I have been off these pills for a few months now and onto other natural forms of supplements which are far less dangerous. Thinking I could be on a turn there after being so long on heavy doctors meds. I don't know.

[Syndrome]

From my experience the sooner you tackle the issue the better.

[Ford_The_Win]

Originally Posted by blueoval

Sorry to bring up an old thread.

But I have been having forms of anxiety attacks over the past 12-24months. At first it was very mild, almost nervousness. But of late, I find it is stronger and usually presents itself when I do public speaking, or about to go on a large bike ride the night before, even organizing a bike ride with a mate, I get these feelings of performance anxiety (non sexual). Like I won't be able to perform properly when Im riding. I never used to get this way. I find I am cancelling any big events or activities that require me to perform or do a task where I am centre of attention. Is this normal?

Well, normal is a fairly abstract idea. What is normal for one person might not be normal for another, but given that it has only cropped up in the last 12-24 months and is affecting things you enjoy, it doesn't sound normal for you. We all have anxiety at some stage and some anxiety is needed to help us do our best (look up the performance/anxiety bellcurve) but when it starts to affect things we would not normally be anxious about, that's when it's time to start paying some attention to it.

Sometimes we might feel anxious about one thing (eg. family) but the actual cause of the anxiety is something else (eg. work). Is there anything going on in your life that is very stressful or difficult? Work troubles, sick family member/friend, money, those sorts of worries can creep into other aspects of our life. I'd also be interested to know more about the situations in which this anxiety comes up and what you feel will happen if you don't perform at your best. I'm sure with the right help you'll be able to get past this blueoval.

[blueoval]

Originally Posted by Ford_The_Win

Is there anything going on in your life that is very stressful or difficult? Work troubles, sick family member/friend, money, those sorts of worries can creep into other aspects of our life. I'd also be interested to know more about the situations in which this anxiety comes up and what you feel will happen if you don't perform at your best. I'm sure with the right help you'll be able to get past this blueoval.

Thanks for the assistance.

Work is less stressful than it used to be, however meeting a high expectation and maintaining it is still hard and often gets me down because I feel Im not doing enough. But not the point it cripples me. It's just a worry in the back of my mind. I have plenty of work, just need to get it done and do it well.

Had a family member die a month or so back. Didn't know him well, but new him from my wifes side. It took more of an impact on her and her family than it did me personally. But Im not sure if subconsciously I was affected by it as I did not grieve at his funeral like others.

My mum has a brain tumor which is currently benign but she chooses not to seek chemo to get it treated. Again, another concern which I do not have power over. I often wonder if I will be getting that dreaded phone call in the middle of the night with news of her passing.

My dad is getting older and he lives in the sticks hours away from the nearest relative and I worry about his well being because he can't move the way he used to. (my parents are divorced)

I have my wifes invalid parents living with me also which adds to the anxiety. They need help and we have been doing our best to help as best we can.

I also have some other personal problems which I won't go into that concerns me as well.

I love riding. Always have. But whenever my mate asks me to join him, I feel like I need to perform. He is a better rider than me. But I find whenever I ride with him it's got to be at 95% capacity. It's not him that places those expectations, it's me that feels like I need to. I've told myself just ride for the enjoyment of it. But it's hard with people who you know are just better at doing things than you are. I tend to try and compare which I shouldn't but it's hard not to, and then when I fall short, I beat myself up for it. Probably part of the reason why I bail out of those things with him.

That's a basic run down of whats going on in my life right now.

[Ford_The_Win]

Originally Posted by blueoval

Thanks for the assistance.

Work is less stressful than it used to be, however meeting a high expectation and maintaining it is still hard and often gets me down because I feel Im not doing enough. But not the point it cripples me. It's just a worry in the back of my mind. I have plenty of work, just need to get it done and do it well.

Had a family member die a month or so back. Didn't know him well, but new him from my wifes side. It took more of an impact on her and her family than it did me personally. But Im not sure if subconsciously I was affected by it as I did not grieve at his funeral like others.

My mum has a brain tumor which is currently benign but she chooses not to seek chemo to get it treated. Again, another concern which I do not have power over. I often wonder if I will be getting that dreaded phone call in the middle of the night with news of her passing.

My dad is getting older and he lives in the sticks hours away from the nearest relative and I worry about his well being because he can't move the way he used to. (my parents are divorced)

I have my wifes invalid parents living with me also which adds to the anxiety. They need help and we have been doing our best to help as best we can.

I also have some other personal problems which I won't go into that concerns me as well.

I love riding. Always have. But whenever my mate asks me to join him, I feel like I need to perform. He is a better rider than me. But I find whenever I ride with him it's got to be at 95% capacity. It's not him that places those expectations, it's me that feels like I need to. I've told myself just ride for the enjoyment of it. But it's hard with people who you know are just better at doing things than you are. I tend to try and compare which I shouldn't but it's hard not to, and then when I fall short, I beat myself up for it. Probably part of the reason why I bail out of those things with him.

That's a basic run down of whats going on in my life right now.

I don't want to draw sweeping conclusions without knowing the full story but there is definitely a lot going on there chief. Sounds to me like your anxiety is a response to all of these things happening in your life (and floating around in the back of your mind).

Sometimes we feel like we're juggling some objects, and when there are only a few objects to juggle, we can plod along just fine - but add a few extra things in the mix and it becomes much harder to keep juggling. It is not a reflection of our abilities, more a reflection of what is being thrown at us. We are only human after all so what you are going through seems like a pretty normal response.

I think you would definitely benefit talking to a medical professional and having a debrief to catch your breath.

Again I hate to generalise the situation based on two AFF posts, but what I would say also: as you said, your mate is a better rider than you and that is unlikely to change, at least for the time being; so try not to compare your riding to him because you'll always come off second best.
I'm sure there are things you do much better than he does but by your own admission riding isn't one of them at the moment - and that's ok. Your riding abilities are not static and unchangeable, who knows when the tables will turn. But it's ok not to be the best right now.

Realistically, ask yourself what is going to happen if you don't perform up 95%? Not what is the worst case scenario - what is realistically the most likely thing to happen? Is the world going to come crashing down? Is he going to stop being your mate or think any less of you? If he's a real mate he won't! Again, you are only human and it's ok to concede sometimes. With the pressure off, you might get a lot more enjoyment out of riding and it might help give you that extra boost of energy needed to juggle all these other stressors in your life. When you feel that performance anxiety creeping in, just remember to ask yourself why you're feeling this way and what is the reality of the situation?

Hope that helps

[CoupeKing]

Sounds to me like your worrying about everyone else, leaving no time for number-one, yourself. Hectic world we live in. It's not just women, but men also have plenty of pressure to deal with in this day and age (although Sex and the City will say otherwise). As for your riding partner, he seems to have a different personality to yours. Some people just love living on the edge, they get a certain rush from it, makes them feel alive. Take a base-jumper for example. Unlike yourself that is content to take photographs of a Mountain, these blokes feel the need to climb it or jump off it. Just seek professional help, there's plenty of different avenues to take. And it just might be something simple as some re-organising/prioritising things.

[blueoval]

Thanks for your advice F_T_W and Coupe King. Much appreciated. Next time I see my doctor which will be soon, I will bring up these issues and see what he recommends.

My mate is about 10yrs younger than me, lives at home and only has a GF, but works hard and doesn't run a business like I do. So I feel he can afford to immerse himself a lot more into his riding among other things. His mum recently had breast cancer and is on the mend from chemo and so far the cancer hasn't returned. Still has a few years to go to get the all clear. But yeah, I guess I am trying to compare my results unfairly to his when he is in a completely different scenario.

I have some priority shuffling to do as you said CoupeKing. I'll need to really sit down and work out a more methodical plan to deal with the things I have going on in my life.

I have a lot to look forward to still. My 16yr wedding anniversary is next week. My family support me and I know I live a good life. I just got to try and focus on the more important things and try not to take everything on at once.

[Sam_Boss260]

As has been already mentioned, hard to fully understand what is going on by just reading a few AFF posts.

I have to admit, I have been feeling fairly flat of late and I think that I can empathise with what you are going through, so here are some thoughts....

- Riding. Mate, I'm in the same boat, have a mate that I ride with and he is a far better rider than me. At first this really bothered me and I was always apologising for when he/they would be waiting for me at places. But after a while it stopped bothering me as I was not going to ride outside my comfort zone. Once you can accept this, hen you'll start enjoying riding again. Just go and enjoy for what it is and what you make it. Isn't that part of the reason as why you ride, cause its all about you and nobody else?

- Work. Yep, get that too, although I currently feel a bit of pressure at the moment. So I can understand where you are coming from here. All I can say is try to keep on top of it and mange best you can, you are only human after all.

- Inlaws. Understand fully, we had to take in the MIL last year after the FIL passed away. It has not been easy and has lead to much tension in our house. To those who have never had to do this, it is harder than you realise. I feel like I have surrendered my home. It is tough.

Maybe seeing or speaking to someone is the best thing here, just to get another perspective and maybe some tools to handle it all. You certainly are going through a lot and much o your plate, maybe it is just overflowing. So if you can learn some tools to help manage things, maybe it could help......

[blueoval]

Originally Posted by Sam_Boss260

As has been already mentioned, hard to fully understand what is going on by just reading a few AFF posts.

I have to admit, I have been feeling fairly flat of late and I think that I can empathise with what you are going through, so here are some thoughts....

- Riding. Mate, I'm in the same boat, have a mate that I ride with and he is a far better rider than me. At first this really bothered me and I was always apologising for when he/they would be waiting for me at places. But after a while it stopped bothering me as I was not going to ride outside my comfort zone. Once you can accept this, hen you'll start enjoying riding again. Just go and enjoy for what it is and what you make it. Isn't that part of the reason as why you ride, cause its all about you and nobody else?

- Work. Yep, get that too, although I currently feel a bit of pressure at the moment. So I can understand where you are coming from here. All I can say is try to keep on top of it and mange best you can, you are only human after all.

- Inlaws. Understand fully, we had to take in the MIL last year after the FIL passed away. It has not been easy and has lead to much tension in our house. To those who have never had to do this, it is harder than you realise. I feel like I have surrendered my home. It is tough.

Maybe seeing or speaking to someone is the best thing here, just to get another perspective and maybe some tools to handle it all. You certainly are going through a lot and much o your plate, maybe it is just overflowing. So if you can learn some tools to help manage things, maybe it could help......

I reckon you nailed it Sam.

Riding- He is a good mate of mine. I know he understands but I know he has a mean competitive streak in him. Which to some degree is why he pushes me. I got to learn not to succumb to falling down that path. I have told him that I ride because I enjoy it, not because I want to push myself to the limit every single ride I do. He has an indoor trainer, power meters and all the gadgets to improve his riding. Fine if you are racing weekly, but he doesn't. So I don't really get where he comes from in all that.

Work - It's tough going. You either have an abundance to try and keep up with or you are scratching around. Currently working 10-12hrs a day doesnt help.

Inlaws - Well to set the record straight. They have been living with me for 14years. It has not been easy, I tell you now.

My wife is always good at listening to me whinge. She often has an alternate view of things. But I need to speak to somebody more neutral than that who doesn't have an emotional interest in what goes on.