The Night Before Christmas

[Sourbastard]

Now lets all sit down and listen to Uncle Bastard tell a tale of Christmas, and I swear, its all true.


'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the shed
not a vehicle was stirring, the engine was dead.
The EA was rusting, in the corner with grot,
in the hope that a miracle, would hold back the rot.

The children were sleeping at home with my ex,
while visions of Bathurst replaced those of sex.
Me dressed in my Pirtek shirt, and my Carlton Six Pack
had just settled ourselves for a long night of Jack

When out in the drive way there sounded a horn,
La Cuckaracha it sounded and I dropped my porn
Out to the driveway I shot like a flash,
to witness a burnout and then watch him crash.

A powder descended as pure as coal
as smoke from the rear wheels continued to flow,
when, what should appear, shaking my faith,
but a Bright Red Monaro, driven by Mark Skaife!

"What the hell do you want?" I yelled at the git
As he staggered and swayed, and got back in his seat
Quickly he bellowed, and quickly they came,
and he whined and he screamed and called them by name:

"Now Brockie! Now Murphy!
Now, Gricie and Firth!
On, Perkins On, Kelly!
To the end of the street!
To the top of the hill!
Now push away! push away!
Push away all!"

With farts and groans the men they all heaved,
While Skaife popped the clutch, ignition achieved!
so up to the end of the street they flew,
Doing donuts non stop til the Chev Engine blew.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard sirens approach
the 6 men in holden shirts and their big nosed coach,
Working in vein to start their dead car,
while I watched in awe with my mouth ajar.

Skaife dressed in red from his head to his foot
and his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of merchanidse, he had on his back
Peddling his wares like a pimp with a sack

His eyes--how they twinkled! if you could see past his nose!
How he grinned like a cretin and struck a weird pose!
He opened his mouth, to ask for support
And I quickly summed up how i'd play it in court.
Before a word was spoken, i had made up my mind,
If the story was good I might only be fined.
I lashed out with a right; a good solid whack
And his Nose spat out blood and he dropped like a sack

The Police soon arrived, to take them away
For disturbing the peace and acting so gay.
And as the officer asked, for my side of the brawl,
He nodded and winked and listened not at all.

Perkins was first to shout from the cop car,
"I'll sue you all! Dont you know im a star!?"
But I heard cops explain as they drove out of sight.
"Tell it to your cellmate, you'll be with him all night!"

And they all lived happily ever after, now come sit on Uncle Bastards Knee.