friday funnies

Dodge · 21-01-2005, 09:29 PM

post ur friday nite jokes here

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

"How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ***

Dodge · 21-01-2005, 09:35 PM

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Below are four (4) questions. You have to answer them instantly.
You can't take your time, answer all of them, immediately.

First Question:
You are participating in a race.
You overtake the second person.
What position are you in?

Answer:

If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong!
If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up in the next question.

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

Answer:
If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong.
Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person? YOU are the last person.

You're not very good at this are you?

Third Question:
Very tricky math! Note! : This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30.
Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?

Answer:

Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don't believe it?
Check with your calculator!

Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?

Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters:
1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?
(a, e, i, o, u)?
Answer:
Nunu? NO! Of course, not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again.

champsky · 21-01-2005, 11:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dodge

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Below are four (4) questions. You have to answer them instantly.
You can't take your time, answer all of them, immediately.

First Question:
You are participating in a race.
You overtake the second person.
What position are you in?

Answer:

If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong!
If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up in the next question.

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

Answer:
If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong.
Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person? YOU are the last person.

You're not very good at this are you?

Third Question:
Very tricky math! Note! : This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30.
Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?

Answer:

Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don't believe it?
Check with your calculator!

Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?

Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters:
1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?
(a, e, i, o, u)?
Answer:
Nunu? NO! Of course, not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again.

umm i hate to ruin a good joke but if you overtake the last person wouldnt you be first???? since the only person that can lap the last person first would be the first person???? cause how can the last person overtake himself???

hehehe got ya thinking aye :P but the rest was heaps funny aye

Kapn_Kiwi · 22-01-2005, 01:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by champsky

umm i hate to ruin a good joke but if you overtake the last person wouldnt you be first???? since the only person that can lap the last person first would be the first person???? cause how can the last person overtake himself???

hehehe got ya thinking aye :P but the rest was heaps funny aye

Overtaking is moving past someone once you have drawn even, or level with, however if you were lapping them, you wouldn't be level or even.

champsky · 22-01-2005, 01:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Skinny_Puppy

Overtaking is moving past someone once you have drawn even, or level with, however if you were lapping them, you wouldn't be level or even.

but isnt lapping and overtaking basically the same thing

lapping is passing smoeone yeah??
overtaking someone is passing them yeah???

so technically it would be corredct to say that you would be 1st because you were passing the last person since you have gone far enough to catch up behind him and pass him which would mean you overtook someone who was last.

jase_elxr8 · 11-03-2005, 12:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by champsky

so technically it would be corredct to say that you would be 1st because you were passing the last person since you have gone far enough to catch up behind him and pass him which would mean you overtook someone who was last.

Technically no, this comment is only true if there are only two people race. If there are 5 people in a race why cant the person in forth place overtake the last?? Also, you are assuming that the race is around a track of some sort, which is not always the case.

deesun · 08-03-2005, 09:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Skinny_Puppy

Overtaking is moving past someone once you have drawn even, or level with, however if you were lapping them, you wouldn't be level or even.

why is it that someone has to spoil the joke by making me THINK?

:

out:

Philbie · 21-01-2005, 09:37 PM

funny would be watching the above husband being beaten to a pulp after that comment....HAHAHAHA

Stevo · 21-01-2005, 09:38 PM

stop screwing with my head

klawsterfobik · 21-01-2005, 09:38 PM

So there is this ghost convention every year for people that are ghost fanatics. 100 people show up at the convention, and they are all told to sit down because the convention was starting. The head of the ghost convention stands at the podium and asks the audience, "How many of you have ever seen a ghost?" And everyone in the audience raises their hands.

Then he asks, "How many of you have ever talked to a ghost? And half the crowd raises their hands. And then the leader asks, "how many of you have ever had sex with a ghost?" And one guys raises his hand. The leader says "You've had sex with a ghost!?" And the guys says, "A ghost? ooh, i thought you said Goat"

Dodge · 21-01-2005, 09:38 PM

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Dodge · 21-01-2005, 09:43 PM

A blonde, brunette, and a redhead escaped from prison. They were running along when they came upon a dock. On the dock were three gunnysacks. They could hear the cops approaching, so the brunette suggested that they get in the sacks. So they got in the sacks right before the cops arrived. A cop kicked the sack with the redhead in it, and she said, "Ruff ruff ruff!" He said, "Oh, it's only a dog." He kicked the one with the brunette in it, and she said "Meow meow meow." He said, "Oh, it's only a cat." Then, he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and she said, "POTATOES POTATOES POTATOES

FordFan86 · 21-01-2005, 10:05 PM

lol i almost choked on popcorn :(

klawsterfobik · 21-01-2005, 10:12 PM

LOL.. blonde jokes are great!

A blonde polce officer pulls over another blonde for speeding. This conversation follows

Police Officer: Can i see your licence please
Driver: Umm ok, *rummages in bag*. I cant seem to find it, whats it look like?
Police Officer: Its a small rectangle shaped thing.. and well it has your picture on it
Driver: Ok, *looks through her bag again*, oh here i found it
*passes the PO a mirror*
Police Officer: Sorry, i didnt realize you were a Police Officer, you should have said something

Bossxr8 · 21-01-2005, 10:30 PM

In spite of recent disasters this one is pretty harsh so don't be offended.

Santa couldn't be bothered visiting the naughty kids in Indonesia, so he gave them a wave instead.

The Billabong Classic in Indonesia was won under controversial circumstances this year, it seems the winner was riding a cupboard.

FordFan86 · 21-01-2005, 10:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bossxr8

Santa couldn't be bothered visiting the naughty kids in Indonesia, so he gave them a wave instead.

i was going to tell a similar one but i thought best of it
lmfao
bloody hilarious it is tho

RSgerry · 21-01-2005, 11:37 PM

and on that note...

business is improving in the bars in thailand. the regulars are starting to drift back in....

i'll get me coat.

FordFan86 · 21-01-2005, 11:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RSgerry

and on that note...

business is improving in the bars in thailand. the regulars are starting to drift back in....

i'll get me coat.

LMFAO!!!!

:

mick.wheelz · 22-01-2005, 02:04 AM

lol some of those are great.

Dodge · 10-03-2005, 10:09 PM

yes its only thursday but im away all weeked so here they Go

A man moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. Come morning, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I got some bad news. The donkey died." "Well then, just give me my money back." "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." "OK then, just unload the donkey." "What ya gonna do with em." "I'm gonna raffle him off." "Ya can't raffle off a dead donkey!" "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anyone he's dead." A month later the farmer met up with the guy and asked, "What happened with the dead donkey?" "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 apiece and made a profit of $898." "Didn't no one complain?" "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2.00 back."

Dodge · 10-03-2005, 10:10 PM

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When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey. She said," Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working and at your age I think that is remarkable." Mr. Burns said," I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it." Oprah said," I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age." George said, "Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at it." Oprah said, " I have never been with an older man, would you do it with me?" So they had sex and when they finished Oprah said, "I just don't believe I have ever been so satisfied, you are a remarkable man." George said," The second time is even better than the first time." Oprah said, "You can really do it again at your age?" George said, "Just let me sleep for 1/2 hour .You hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes. When she woke him up ,they again had great sex, and Oprah was beside herself with joy. She said, "Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be better than the first time. At your age, Oh My, Oh My!!!" George said that the third time would be even better. "You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and call me in thirty minutes." Oprah said, "Does me holding you like that kind of recharge you batteries?" George said, "No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman, she stole my wallet"

Dodge · 10-03-2005, 10:11 PM

NEVER CHOKE IN A RESTAURANT IN THE SOUTH > > Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they > talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby > table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, > it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. > > One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?" The woman > shakes her head no. > > "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. > > The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress > yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick > with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm > and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. > As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the > bar. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there 'Hind Lick > Maneuver,' but I ain't niver seen nobody do it."