Access to my kids....

chelvdog · 14-02-2005, 11:09 AM

My ex-wife & I had an amicable divorce a coupla years ago & I've always done the right thing and paid my Child Support and have my kids stay over every Saturday night. She was with this top bloke, who has apparently turned out not so tops (into manufacturing drugs, has guns, etc) She wants to move 4000kms away within the next coupla days coz she's scared of him (but wont lodge a police report, etc) I don't have the $ to fly to see my kids when I want to see them, but she can just take off and disappear. According to the Child Support Office, I can do sweet F.A about it. If she disappears & I cant contact her to pay the child support, she can report me & have the amount deducted from my salary, yet I still cant see my kids. All of my family is here and we absolutely love the kids to death. It was so hard saying goodbye to them yeaterday coz I don't know if I'll ever see them again.
Anyone else here been in a similar situation & what the hell did you do about it? I'm out of ideas. Sorry for venting.

EA2BA · 14-02-2005, 11:18 AM

Well unless joint custody was granted, which it sounds like it wasnt and you only have visiting rights, then it appears nothing you can do.

Get a web cam link setup so you can say hello face to face every saturday night, and save to go see them, can think of much else.

chelvdog · 14-02-2005, 11:36 AM

Thanks for the webcam idea, if she stays in contact when they go, I'll give it a go. We didn't go thru court for custody coz we were always amicable about the divorce. I've heard stories from plenty of other couples where they had huge court battles, propety settlements and fights over custody & I just didn't want a part of any of that. I offered to take the kids, but coz I work, it made it a bit harder, thats why we had the open access arrangement. Im taking the rest of the day off work to see if theres any more I can do to either keep them here or ensure she keeps in touch.

14-02-2005, 01:13 PM

See a solicitor mate, and quickly before she does move. At least if you file for joint custody and successful you will have a legal right to have access to yer kids whether she likes it or not, and if she denies you then she will be in breach of court orders.... and that would not look good on her record if you decide to go for full custody later on.
Me and the ex are the same as you, but we had court papers drwan up regarding the house and property, but nothing about kids as we get along fine and don't need to cross that bridge as of yet.
wedgey

MotherNatureVer2 · 14-02-2005, 07:32 PM

You dont need a court order to have custody. I have just gone through all the dealings with the Legal Aide solicitors about my ex & basically because we have had no contact with him, Me being the sole carer for the past 3yrs, the courts will decided on that basis.

In having said that, with your current agreed arangement the courts would more than likely not be able to do much at all ............. trust me its a system that just doesnt cut it anymore ....... If it ever did.

I would suggest that you get a written agreement .... even if its only on a piece of paper and witnessed by a mate ........ It should state that she will have to share the costs for you to be able to maintain your access to your kids. You DO NOT have to pay the entire amount just to see the kids (this I know as my b/f is in a similar situation to you, His ex moved to Darwin). We now have one of his daughters living with us as she couldnt handle being away .......

One other snippet of advise ...... keep everything documented ........ from the time & date she informed you of her leaving, to the reasons & what was said, even how many times & how you have tried to contact her should the worst happen. It can then be proven if she hides, that you have tried to contact her and that will make it easier as far as your fear of her trying to get CSA payments when you cant see your kids.

I can understand her wanting to run & hide ....... I live in fear of my ex & this is exactly what I am doing with my kids ........ Your situation is a lot different though as your not the scumbag who has caused her to flee .........

Its a horrible situation to be in especially for the kids ............ They hear & see more than we think they do. So please be patient and trust and hope that she does keep in contact ........ most of all ....... Please be careful of her scumbag b/f ......... If hes into what you say there could be nothing stopping him comming to you to try to find her thiking that you are still in contact ........That does get messy ...... Trust me ......

Keep safe matey & be assured that our thoughts and prayers are with you & your kids at this time.

TIKFD6 · 14-02-2005, 08:38 PM

Mate i can sympathise totaly with you.
You do the right thing and the Bitch shits on you.

good luck mate.

pauljh74 · 15-02-2005, 12:42 AM

chelvdog, if your ex wife's boyfriend wants to get at her, unfortunately it won't matter if she's in Adelaide or Darwin. It sounds like he'd have the "resources" to find her. So, a move would keep her safe for a number of days perhaps, and if he wanted to find her, I'm sure he would after a couple of weeks.

eb_5litre · 15-02-2005, 09:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TIKFD6

Mate i can sympathise totaly with you.
You do the right thing and the Bitch shits on you.

good luck mate.

LMAO Kerry you should write greeting cards mate.

conordec · 15-02-2005, 01:02 AM

you can claim back your flights/travel expenses against your child support payments, look into it.
it sucks, big time i know trust me.
but as said above, keep everything, phone bills, etc, etc, and make the most of a bad situation, your kids will grow up one day and ask, so don't be too p'd now, keep remembering they'll find out soonner or later the why's, and why nots.

bindi · 15-02-2005, 06:16 AM

Yes the kids will grow up and become understanding enough to realise what was going on (I know it's not much use now, but they grow up super fast).

Lisa's right, kids do see and hear more than anyone thinks.

There is a point to my story, just be patient! lol

My hubby and I broke up for a few months a few years ago now, it was so far removed from amicable it was horrifying for a couple of those months cos he was so angry. I was so scared of him I let the kids live with him and his mother - he was great with them, just not with me. So the kids blamed me for the breakup (cos I was the one who ended it due to emotional abuse - on both sides) and they barely wanted anything to do with me...

It was a hard time, but eventually we worked everything out, evolved from the people we were, and now it's like a brand new relationship, barely any of the old stuff in it

But now the kids are older, they see the odd remnant of the old marriage rear its head at times... and I think they now understand why I left.

Kids are resiliant on the outside but a mess on the inside, and even when things appear logical to them it still hurts emotionally.

Just be as calm and understanding as possible, and if AT ANY STAGE you think the children may be in serious ex-drug-runner-gun-owner-boyfriend kinda trouble, beg your ex wife that in the safety interests of your children that they live with you. It would be hard on you work wise but it's always this way for women (juggling work and kids) - it is possible - and then you and your ex will know that your kids are SAFE from serious harm/death.

Hard but fair. I'm sure if she is reasonable then this could be an option.

Dodge · 15-02-2005, 06:50 AM

link ur x witht the drugs and guns and u take the kids in , she gets what she derserves and u get to bring up the kids in a ford , safe household , what more could u ask for.

chelvdog · 15-02-2005, 08:49 AM

Thanks for the replies guys. As things stand now, she hasn't left yet thankfully. I thought he'd have the resources to find her if she moved 40kms away or 4000kms away and I even suggested I take the kids if she's in fear of their lives, but she didn't want to hear it. He hasn't tried to hassle me at all and this makes me wonder whether its all just a big lie so she can **** off and start a new life somewhere else. I'm stuck in that gray area of really not knowing whats going on, and thats the most frustrating thing. If my kids were gone I could learn to deal with it and then come up with some ways of seeing them, but right now I'm just not sure whats happening.

Thanks again for the support.

Pete

MotherNatureVer2 · 15-02-2005, 11:20 AM

Matey ....

Having been on the side of your ex I can assure you all she is doing is selecting the right time to go .........

She doesnt want you to have the kids as her life at the moment is spiralling out of control & the kids are the only thing you can hold onto to keep your strength to survive.

I know they will find her anywhere as my ex's mates found me ...... thankfully I was sent a bloke who was to take the kids & I to an undisclosed town to try to drag him out......... luckily the truth & he being a parent was the only thing that saved us .......

Not a situation I want to live again...............

I can guarentee that he will not try to harass you until such times as she has gone .......

Matey ..... I dont want to scare you but I know this situation only too well & I know how it works ........ maybe pre warned is pre armed ???????

chelvdog · 15-02-2005, 11:58 AM

Thanks MotherNature. I am well and truely pre-warned, it's the waiting part that's getting to me. Today I've had no contact from her and it's my middle son's birthday which is making me think she's already taken off. I've tried calling her and smsing her but with no luck. I can tend to be a hatefilled, vengeful person when ****ed off in the right way, so if the guy does come around, pushing for info, you might all see me on the 5 o'clock news....

MotherNatureVer2 · 15-02-2005, 12:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chelvdog

Thanks MotherNature. I am well and truely pre-warned, it's the waiting part that's getting to me. Today I've had no contact from her and it's my middle son's birthday which is making me think she's already taken off. I've tried calling her and smsing her but with no luck. I can tend to be a hatefilled, vengeful person when ****ed off in the right way, so if the guy does come around, pushing for info, you might all see me on the 5 o'clock news....

Please take care matey ......... I know patience wasnt a strong point for me ...... but it looks like I may have finally found my ex to get some sort of child support & the other druggie mates of his are finally leaving me alone .......Its been 3yrs now ......

Think of your kids, as I know you will, before you end up a guest of Her Magestys Service .......... This may sound strange ... but have the thoughts ... I know I do all the time .... thats healthy ..... just dont act on the thoughts......

chelvdog · 15-02-2005, 12:15 PM

I'll only do whatever possible to defend my kids and myself. The law states you can use minmum reasonable force to defend yourself and that's what I'll do if the need arises. Don't worry, I'm not a raging psychopath, I'm just very worried about my kids and upset that I might not see them again.

MO · 15-02-2005, 09:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chelvdog

I'll only do whatever possible to defend my kids and myself. The law states you can use minmum reasonable force to defend yourself and that's what I'll do if the need arises. Don't worry, I'm not a raging psychopath, I'm just very worried about my kids and upset that I might not see them again.

Sport, do yourself a favour calm down and begin to think logically;
1. think of all the possibilities of your situation and the end results,before you take any rash action.
2. and this refers to 1 you can make an annonymous call to crime stoppers about the b/f....what are the ramifications if you do.
3.you can obtain thru the courts an order stopping your ex from taking the kids out of your state.
4. if you think you can do it you can take the b/f down by other means...however that means you have to get very mean and very nasty....with an I don't give a stuff about the consequences attitude.
5. you can remain in contact with your ex and know that after a period of time you will get to see your kids again.
6.listen to MotherNature she has avery good understanding of type of situation that you are in.
7. I've been there done that and believe me the better course is to be patient and be truthful and you will win in the end.
8. it will take time sometimes more than you wish.
9.always be there for your kids and make sure they know it and in this situation even tho your seperated make sure your ex knows your there too.
hope this helps and good luck.

MotherNatureVer2 · 15-02-2005, 09:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chelvdog

I'll only do whatever possible to defend my kids and myself. The law states you can use minmum reasonable force to defend yourself and that's what I'll do if the need arises. Don't worry, I'm not a raging psychopath, I'm just very worried about my kids and upset that I might not see them again.

I know your concern matey .......... Just keep cool & you will win out in the end ;)

rag top · 15-02-2005, 11:59 AM

Chelvdog, has she had any kids with this bloke, or are the only kids involved yours??

chelvdog · 15-02-2005, 12:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by '67

Chelvdog, has she had any kids with this bloke, or are the only kids involved yours??

The kids are all mine. He has a kid to another chick, but I dont think he sees her at all.

MO · 16-02-2005, 10:35 PM

chelvdog;
talk to us sport what's happening????

chelvdog · 17-02-2005, 11:03 AM

Ok, here goes. They left this morning to their new state. I saw the kids last night and they were just fantastic. Luckily my gf is a very sensible chick so she helped me to remain calm, gave me heaps of support while I was with the kids. I got to play with them heaps & discuss the many superiorities of Fords over Holdens (My eldest is a diehard Commodore nut, musta got it from the ex!!) Anyways, I'm feeling pretty damn calm about it now. I got to talk to the ex about the situation, and in her own words, she doesn't want to take the kids away but she has to for their own safety. She's going to be flying them back in school holidays for visits and has bought me a bit of finacial breathing room by forgoing child support for a periond of time because she still owes me money from our settlement. I miss them already, but I know they're safe. Thankyou all for your kind words and by bringing me back to sanity at times!!

: I saw the druggie ex-bf while I was driving home last night and was tempted to run the c**t off the road (He drives a VS SS so I think I could've justified that!) I'm going to forget about him, but if he shows his face around my place, I won't be a happy chappy.

ing_sm
Thanks again all, If I need to vent at any time in the future I know where to come. Hopefully I'll see some of you at the Adelaide AFD.

MotherNatureVer2 · 17-02-2005, 11:12 AM

Matey Im so glad you are feeling a little better

Please feel free to vent in here as much as you need to ....... God knows I do a lot & it does help a fair bit.

Great news that you have had a chance to see the kids before their departure .... I know its hard but trust me ... your ex is doing as any good mother would in trying to keep them safe and out of harms way .......... LOL makes me sound like a good mother too ... hehehehehee

Please keep us posted on how YOU are going ........ you are going to need a strong support network & its great that your girlfriend is so supportive ....... sometimes we need an extra shoulder to lean on & if you ever need to send me a PM or email .... my shoulder has been through a fair bit in 38yrs & can handle a bit more if need be ;)

chelvdog · 17-02-2005, 11:18 AM

Thanks MotherNature, oh god, I'm gonna be in the shit, my gf is actually my fiance since I popped the Q a coupla weeks ago. I hope she doesnt read any of that!!!

: Dunno why using the wrong word can make you girls get snakey?????

pauljh74 · 17-02-2005, 01:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chelvdog

Thanks MotherNature, oh god, I'm gonna be in the shit, my gf is actually my fiance since I popped the Q a coupla weeks ago. I hope she doesnt read any of that!!!

: Dunno why using the wrong word can make you girls get snakey?????

Make use of the edit button before it's too late

MotherNatureVer2 · 17-02-2005, 11:25 AM

LOL matey

Im sure she will understand .......

Makes you wonder why theres always good things & bad that seem to happen at the same time ..... well it does with me ;)

Congrats on the engagement as well

:

MO · 17-02-2005, 09:06 PM

Chelvdog;
Glad to hear it's working out more or less as you want,at least now you know the reasons and have been given an explanation.Also good to know you did'nt take the I don't give a stuff line.
As MN said anytime you want to vent or PM/e-mail, those of us that can will try to help.
Good Luck.