After some perspective

nfs2506 · 16-06-2007, 11:12 AM

As the title states.. I am looking for some perspective, preferably male.
My other half of 11 years has recently got back in touch with an exgirlfriend whom he apparently had quite a friendship with. This I was cool with, seeing that she now lives 3000kms away

:

However, it seems that my other half now has very enthusiastically decided to plan a trip to spend a week with her. And I must admit that I am now struggling to get my head around this one.

Now I fully realize that the mature and sensible thing to do in this situation would be to sit and discuss this with my partner. And I will at some point...

out:

but at the moment I am looking for others thoughts, no matter how random or biased, as to how approriate this situation is and under what cicumstances/conditions and for what reasons you would consider undertaking such a trip.

Monkey · 16-06-2007, 11:23 AM

Feeling paranoid?
you should be, like you i cant get my head around that.
Why is he pursuing a relationship with another female ,an ex girlfriend at that.
It dosn't seem right at all and you should speak to him about it asap.

gtfpv · 16-06-2007, 12:00 PM

he is being very inconsiderate .
i must say you need to question your relationship. it's that serious. doesn't really matter what he thinks. it's how you feel. how do you think h'ed feel if you contacted and went overseas to stay with an x lover / rooter. it's the same thing.

lay it straight with him . tell him you are getting vibes that it's over, then listen to what he has to say, and then listen to how you feel , and make the call accordingly.

webby_191189 · 16-06-2007, 12:04 PM

Id have to agree. Sure i like to stay inn touch with my ex gf's to and be frinds with them but i know i wouldn't really plan a trip away to see them. If i was going to i would atleast make it a holiday and take my current partner to and meet up with the ex for lunch but thats it.

Something doesn't sound right and i think you should really have a talk to him about it.

**GasoLane** · 16-06-2007, 12:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nfs2506

However, it seems that my other half now has very enthusiastically decided to plan a trip to spend a week with her.

If you're included in the trip for the week, fine, you can suss her out then smack her in the mouth (when he's not there) and tell her to butt out.
After 11 years she's out of the race

Quote:

Originally Posted by nfs2506

for what reasons you would consider undertaking such a trip.

If you mean the reason HE would take the trip.

Um...well, this a family board so I wont mention the reason

Jesk · 16-06-2007, 11:36 AM

Sounds like there could be a bit of a booty call going on there! I hope I'm wrong with that assumption though you should talk to him about it, initially through general conversation, we don't like being cornered but if he won't then corner him with it! cos yeah there seems something odd about a 3000km trip at the drop of a hat for an ex, but yeah step one is to get it straight from the horse's mouth about his intentions with her then go from there.

Best of luck to you

schmidty · 16-06-2007, 12:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nfs2506

As the title states.. I am looking for some perspective, preferably male.
My other half of 11 years has recently got back in touch with an exgirlfriend whom he apparently had quite a friendship with. This I was cool with, seeing that she now lives 3000kms away

:

However, it seems that my other half now has very enthusiastically decided to plan a trip to spend a week with her. And I must admit that I am now struggling to get my head around this one.

Now I fully realize that the mature and sensible thing to do in this situation would be to sit and discuss this with my partner. And I will at some point...

out:

but at the moment I am looking for others thoughts, no matter how random or biased, as to how approriate this situation is and under what cicumstances/conditions and for what reasons you would consider undertaking such a trip.

Did he re establish contact with her? Or she with him? And whats her relationship status now?

nfs2506 · 16-06-2007, 12:58 PM

Thanks for all the replies.. It helps to know that my gut reaction is not an over reaction; just as it helps to sort through my own thoughts by hearing someone elses. He has likened this 'friendship' to that which I have with a girl I have known since primary school; so on that basis I have been trying to put the issue of gender aside and focus on the connection they supposedly have... but it does keep coming back to the fact they once were intimately aquainted..

Quote:

Originally Posted by Monkey Boy

Feeling paranoid?

Absolutely!

Quote:

Originally Posted by gtfpv

i must say you need to question your relationship. it's that serious. doesn't really matter what he thinks. it's how you feel. how do you think h'ed feel if you contacted and went overseas to stay with an x lover / rooter. it's the same thing.

I am questioning the level of committment that he has for our relationship.. because being committed means that ou don't seek out situations that have the potential for trouble, IMO. Hmm... it would be very interesting to see his reaction to the situation if roles were reversed. I do not see him being a happy camper!

Quote:

Originally Posted by webby_191189

Sure i like to stay inn touch with my ex gf's to and be frinds with them............

This is why I needed more input because it is sometimes possible to have a healthy friendship with an ex... not that I have ever had it happen.. but I have heard of it...

Quote:

Originally Posted by GasOLane

If you're included in the trip for the week, fine, you can suss her out then smack her in the mouth (when he's not there) and tell her to butt out.

No I am not included in this trip... and I am trying to keep sight of the fact that she is not the one in a relationship with me... I still want to smack her though! :jab:

Quote:

Originally Posted by GasOLane

Um...well, this a family board so I wont mention the reason

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jesk

Sounds like there could be a bit of a booty call going on there!

And this is my concern.. but what to do about it... if he really wants something else there is little I can do... I will not fight then be left wondering if I am the consilation prize...

Quote:

Originally Posted by schmidty

Did he re establish contact with her? Or she with him? And whats her relationship status now?

He has looked for her details on and off over the years... but it was her that first started contact... she recently seperated from the husband that she married after she and my partner split... which may mean that she was reaching out for the support that she used to get from my partner or that she wants what she once discarded. I think I would be more at ease if my partner had ended their relationship but from what I can gather it was a case of unrequitted love on his part.

XR8GRL · 16-06-2007, 03:37 PM

Do yourself a favour, get rid of him and find someone better. He sounds like a putz.

Bossxr8 · 17-06-2007, 03:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nfs2506

He has looked for her details on and off over the years... but it was her that first started contact... she recently seperated from the husband that she married after she and my partner split... which may mean that she was reaching out for the support that she used to get from my partner or that she wants what she once discarded. I think I would be more at ease if my partner had ended their relationship but from what I can gather it was a case of unrequitted love on his part.

Alarm bells there. If she has recently split from someone and she suddenly gets back in contact with her ex that she probably regrets breaking up with, I'd say its all over. She most likely wants him back. Seems like your partner may want her back cause she ditched him, and he would still have feelings for her. I'd definately say can I come with you. If he says no then he obviously doesn't want you getting in the way. If it smells and looks like **** it most likely is.

42.57lb · 16-06-2007, 03:29 PM

Recently my Uncle's wife split up with him for her ex-fiance. They were married happily for 35 years. So to be honest with you, I say be paranoid. Sorry, but IMO when you are with someone, looking up ex's, unless they birthed your kids is well out of order.

Mu Uncle's wife found her ex on "classmatesreunited.com" or something like that.

Good luck. Nothing better than a swift kick to the nuts if you're after an incentive to keep him in town.

**DJM83** · 16-06-2007, 03:53 PM

Sounds abit suss to me

3vXT · 16-06-2007, 04:00 PM

the only reason i'd travel 3000k's to see an ex is if i was going to spend the week having sex. sorry, i know thats a little blunt but its the truth.

EDIT: assuming i didn't have a current girlfriend of course.

sleekism · 16-06-2007, 04:00 PM

I dunno they COULD be just genuinely catching up.

Was it a long relationship he had with the ex?

If it was over a year than it could be just mates catching up but if it was only a short relationship with the ex than it's definately suss.

Green X · 16-06-2007, 05:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sleekism

I dunno they COULD be just genuinely catching up.

For a whole week, doubt it.

If he was in the same aria for what ever reason and decided to speed a day caching up and told his current girlfriend about, yes, but to go 3000km out of your way for no other reason but to see a EX well that's a little suss.

I have had a mate go over east for some family stuff and I moved in with his girlfriend for a week who was well very attractive, and to me that was risky, some interesting things happened but No, Sex did not take place, and I wouldn't have let it either as I would never fool around with a friends Girlfriend.

I have know both Guys and chicks who have been in relationships who have cheated and it just doesn't sit well with me. One of my friends has cheated on his girlfriend of 2 years 3 times, I new about the first one, Then when I found out about the other 2 I just about decked him.

So NFS2506 I would be a little concerned if I was you, and would ask what is going on .

vandrsxr6 · 16-06-2007, 04:29 PM

he's a dud, get another one.

Theres no way any male in a relationship on this site or anywhere would be going on a week long holiday to have a 'Catch Up', with an ex.

The sock is never going to of the door handle.

Rodp · 16-06-2007, 04:39 PM

There is *no way in the world* I would ever let my partner go alone to spend a week with an ex. If it was a trip together I would be completely fine with it, if they were going alone then they would have to have a serious think about whether they wanted me in their future.

XR8Master · 16-06-2007, 04:47 PM

If he is traveling 3000km or 30km, it makes no difference, if your going to see an ex your planning on getting a bit, I think it is the fantasy of many males to have sex with there ex.

If he wants to spend a week with her then he dosen't love you

I would be prepared to end the relationship

DOC · 16-06-2007, 05:34 PM

There is one rule in our house, NO RULES. Each partner is free to do as they wish and the door is always open, if the trouble n strife parks her shoes at the end of the bed each night, i know thats where she wants to be.

JC · 16-06-2007, 05:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DOC

There is one rule in our house, NO RULES. Each partner is free to do as they wish and the door is always open, if the trouble n strife parks her shoes at the end of the bed each night, i know thats where she wants to be.

You may know where she wants to be, but do you know where's she's been? I assume you have some sort of "Open marriage" then? You'll get over it. And it only works for a very small minority of couples, so good luck with that.

To the OP - let him go, but change the locks before he gets back. If you have kids together, don't let him go at all - marriage/relationship break ups are harder on the kids than adults.

DOC · 16-06-2007, 06:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JC

You may know where she wants to be, but do you know where's she's been? I assume you have some sort of "Open marriage" then? You'll get over it. And it only works for a very small minority of couples, so good luck with that.
.

Well i would like to think i know where she has been, unless she tells me lies, but then thats her call, Open Marriage ? depends how you define that, all i will say is having worked with many people over many years i often see one partner dominated by the other and in this restricting that person from being their full self.

I would prefer both partners felt free to persue thier own goals and lifes ambitions without having to feel obligated to a partners whims, but in that enjoy each others company and enjoy a long lastting relationship at the same time.

I am sure there is no magic pill for anyone, but i can say anyone that gets through married life with out hassles is very lucky.

gtfpv · 16-06-2007, 07:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DOC

Well i would like to think i know where she has been, unless she tells me lies, but then thats her call, Open Marriage ? depends how you define that, all i will say is having worked with many people over many years i often see one partner dominated by the other and in this restricting that person from being their full self.

I would prefer both partners felt free to persue thier own goals and lifes ambitions without having to feel obligated to a partners whims, but in that enjoy each others company and enjoy a long lastting relationship at the same time.

I am sure there is no magic pill for anyone, but i can say anyone that gets through married life with out hassles is very lucky.

actually , DOC , has a point here . and anyone that has been married for over 10 years realises this. as most people evolve from a marraige back into themselves after a while . then the marraige is either over , or goes on , stronger in a less tied way. i suspect the topic thread starters relationship may be in for changing, it does happen , either way the marraige goes on or finishes .
however saying this lots of people become themselves and toss the other away. so it really is an each way bet, but freedom is everything. trust is a virtue. judging from the thread starters post though i say. time to move on / or stitch up the relationship.

Bluefreak · 17-06-2007, 12:08 AM

Well I'm going to veer away from the general consensus here... He told you where he wanted to go and who with... That's got to be a plus, depending on how you look at it... He could've said it was a boys trip away, I still have them and my partner still has girls week/end away... The fact that he didn't lie to you about who he was meeting, I think, means you should be able to approach him and ask the questions that are bugging you... I wouldn't attack him, be gentle and see where it leads...

Good luck...

JC · 17-06-2007, 10:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DOC

Well i would like to think i know where she has been, unless she tells me lies, but then thats her call, Open Marriage ? depends how you define that, all i will say is having worked with many people over many years i often see one partner dominated by the other and in this restricting that person from being their full self.

I would prefer both partners felt free to persue thier own goals and lifes ambitions without having to feel obligated to a partners whims, but in that enjoy each others company and enjoy a long lastting relationship at the same time.

I am sure there is no magic pill for anyone, but i can say anyone that gets through married life with out hassles is very lucky.

I'm glad you clarified that; your relationship sounds about normal now, whereas your previous post sounded a lot less so.

I have friends who used to have an open marriage, then one decided (after their first child) that they should stop the "openness", but the other kept it up secretly, until busted after a few years, and then tried to use the excuse "well, you used to do it too". They have nearly split up twice, and now have 3 kids, but for the last 2 years all has been good since the straying party stopped straying. It took a lot to build back the trust on the other partners part, and a lot of what marriage is about is being able to trust your partner.

What applies to marriage, applies to any relationship, whether it's between mates (as in friends), or life partners or even family. If you can't trust, you become resentful, you tend not to communicate and the relationship will suffer.

DOC · 19-06-2007, 02:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JC

I'm glad you clarified that; your relationship sounds about normal now, whereas your previous post sounded a lot less so..

Well JC i wished it was normal truth is, its a hard slog from time to time, no rose garden here thats for sure.

I'll tell you how hard it has been latley, I pack her bags and put them by the front door then pop out thinking when i get home the bags will be gone.

Well bugger me one day i get and to my surprise they were gone, I'm thinking christmas

But no, she simply took her bags back inside unpacked them and then packed my bags and put them where hers was.

The cycle starts again

jaydee · 16-06-2007, 05:46 PM

From a blokes perspective, blokes only want one thing at the end of the day.(Ok to you SNAGs maybe not) but he's definitely wanting to do the horizontal dance.
Tell him he can only go if you go, or start looking for an ex of yours and see how he takes it.
11 years is a long time and when he gets back you will forever be wondering and it will eat you up and that'll be the end of it.
Good luck.

XR8Master · 16-06-2007, 06:23 PM

Doc, that is just a friendship not a serious relaitionship/marriage

Friendships have there own goals, ambitions ect

Marriage/Serious GF/BF have interluded lifes with goals and ambitions being joint.

As for the Thread opener, I would recommend you suggest your going with him on his trip as to see his reaction...if he finds a million and one reasons for you to NOT go with him, then.. its obviously sus, When you ask him act innocent and dumb like as if your not wary of what he is about to do

DOC · 16-06-2007, 06:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by XR8Master

Doc, that is just a friendship not a serious relaitionship/marriage

Fair enough, some 30 years plus freindship, i met my wife when she was in first year high school and we have been together since. Just because we allow each other to share our own dreams and goals, doesn't mean we also do not share common goals and dreams. not a serious relationship, well thats your call.

sleekism · 16-06-2007, 07:14 PM

I dunno if open relationships work though Doc's suprisingly is.

From what I have seen it's usually one member of the relationship who calls it an open relationship while the other one just wants one person.

I have a mate who decided to make his relationship open so he could screw around but his girlfriens wasn't allowed to.

He drives a HZ Kingswwod Ute and drinks Bundy so there you go.

sexr6tasy · 17-06-2007, 01:25 AM

If you cant talk to your partner about something as simple as this i think you need alot more communication in your relationship.